Deeply traumatic as infidelity can be, it is possible to come out stronger, both personally and as a couple. Infidelity turns life upside down and makes you question everything, which provides the impetus to change. If you seize the opportunity, you can create a deeper, more durable and ultimately better relationship and emerge out the other side braver, wiser and stronger.

Here’s your step-by-step guide to surviving the fall-out, riding the rollercoaster of emotions and making the most of this opportunity for change.

Your 5-step survival guide when your partner has strayed

Step 1: Survive the meltdown
The biggest mistake people make at this stage is rushing into making decisions about the relationship. If you walk out or throw your partner out at this stage, or you forgive them too soon, you miss the chance to fully explore what happened. Further down the line, the unprocessed hurt and fears will resurface, rocking the relationship or disrupting any new one you start.

If you need time away from your partner, stay with friends or family for a few days. But keep it short, and think carefully about you share with other people. Think about whether the information you’re sharing could make it harder for friends or family to have a relationship with your partner in the future.

Don’t under-estimate the impact from the fall-out of an affair. You might experience heart palpitations, chest pains, difficulty breathing, nausea and insomnia. Try to simplify your life as much as you can. Take time off work, get someone to help with the kids, postpone any tasks that aren’t necessary and take time out every day even if it’s just five minutes sitting in the garden listening to the birds. It’s important to have moments of temporary refuge from thinking about the affair, whether it’s seeing a friend who makes you laugh, or just doing something fun with the children. But there is no magic cure for the pain of infidelity – you just have to work through it. Don’t try to look too far ahead – just focus on getting through one day at a time.

Step 2: Getting beyond blame
It’s hard not to cast yourself in the role of victim and your partner the guilty party. But it’s rarely this black and white. By reconstructing the affair, telling the story from the beginning, middle to end, both of you can understand what has happened, begin to process it, and start to move on. Hard as it may be, a calm conversation will get you more information than accusations – try using phrases like ‘I know you would rather we weren’t having this conversation,’ and ‘this is painful for both of us.’

Men in particular have the ability to compartmentalise their lives and convince themselves that what happens outside their marriage does not harm it. It’s a way of minimising the emotional impact of infidelity. But when, inevitably, the carefully constructed compartments fall down, the betrayer can be shocked at the fallout and how much it affects their partner. It’s a wake-up call that comes too late.

It is also possible for affairs to happen by accident, particularly at work – an innocent friendship that grows through spending a lot of time together can be tipped into intimacy at a work party or on a business trip. But usually, the causes of an affair can be summed up with the same equation: Problem + Poor Communication + Temptation = Infidelity. Problems on their own aren’t enough to trigger an affair. However, if someone feels unable to talk or has tried and has not been properly heard, when a third party shows an interest or provides a listening ear, infidelity is almost inevitable.

Step 3: Coming to terms with the third party
Feeling hatred and anger towards the third party is natural. But don’t fall into the trap of ‘demonising’ then or heaping all the blame for the affair at their door. Initially that can feel easier than accepting that the person you love has hurt you but it can leave you with ongoing doubts and a feeling of insecurity.

What you can do, however, is ask your partner to sever all contact with his lover. If a clean break isn’t possible (if, for example, they work together) set down ground rules about contact being kept to a minimum and restricted to work matters only.

You may feel ambushed by feelings of hatred towards the third party at times but fight the urge to offload the feelings in a torrent of abuse towards your partner. It won’t make you feel better and it could take you back to where you were in the first few days and undo any progress you’ve made. A more constructive process is to write down your thoughts, whether it’s ‘I can’t believe they went behind my back,’ ‘how dare she buy him a birthday present’. It can help you get to the root of what is really bothering you.

Step 4: Forgive and dare to trust
Building trust is a gradual process, but devising a ‘safety-first’ contract can help, which may include rules such as how often your partner will contact you by phone, text or email on an average day, what changes they should make in their routine (eg finding a new gym if their lover was a member), always ringing if they are going to be more than 10 minutes late and removing passwords on email accounts and phone. These changes need only be for a few weeks, while trust and confidence is at a low point.

If you’re struggling, try acting ‘as if’ you trust your partner for a week – as an experiment, park your worries about whether they will be unfaithful again, and act as if you completely trust your partner. Then notice any differences in your relationship. Chances are, you’ll feel happier and your partner will relax and be more open.

Not surprisingly, forgiving your partner for throwing a hand-grenade into your life isn’t easy. But rather than thinking of forgiveness as an act of generosity to your partner, consider it a gift to yourself. It frees us from the past, allows us to let go of resentment, blame and anger, and draw a line to start afresh.

Step 5: Come out stronger
For some, an affair is a wake-up call that sex needs to be moved up the agenda in the relationship. For others, it throws a spotlight on how they have put their relationship on the backburner and focussed their attention and energy solely on the children. One of the key issues to address is how you will face challenges in the future, when your attention may be diverted once again from your relationship, whether it’s to look after an elderly parent or to deal with a demanding teenager. You need to ensure that you will both be honest about when you’re feeling neglected, or unhappy, and be open to talking it through. Relationship counselling can help you look at your communication style. Plenty of couples do come through infidelity without counselling, but it’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do, so why not get some professional help with it?