Complaining doesn’t come easy to most of us. Ever plastered on a smile as you tip your hairstylist for the new haircut that you hate? Or half-heartedly picked at a meal, only to say, ‘thank you, that was lovely’ as the waiter clears the table? Very few people are truly comfortable with complaining. We’d rather moan to our friends than tackle the situation in question.

We all grow up with family rules, whether overt or communicated subconsciously, and for many of us, ‘Don’t Make A Fuss!’ is up there in the top ten. Women especially are often brought up to be people pleasers and we want people to like us, including people we don’t know. And even the most assertive among us can have complaining ‘weak spots’ – you might be a champion of your consumer rights, but sit silently fuming every night as your partner hogs the remote control.

But done properly, complaining can be a ‘win-win’ situation, as it’s a way of communicating an event from your point of you, allowing another person to step into your shoes and learn what they need to do to be a better service provider, colleague or partner. But because we’re not taught how to complain effectively as we grow up, as adults, we tend to veer from saying nothing to exploding in an over-the-top rant, whether it’s to the traffic warden who puts a ticket on your car one second before you get there, or your partner for leaving his muddy trainers in the living room again. If you’ve ever over-reacted to something minor, chances are it’s an accumulation of several other events that have happened in your week.

Any kind of conflict triggers the ‘flight or fight’ response – the amygdala, the oldest part of the brain, send signals for the release of stress hormones at anything it interprets as a threat. But staying calm not only helps you get taken more seriously, it’s also better for your mental health. Having a rant may give you momentary relief but it will stoke feelings of anger and leave you with raised stress levels. Taking a minute to focus on your breathing can help to put you back in control.

And it’s a myth that stroppiness gets you what you want. Make an authentic connection with the person you’re complaining to instead and you’ll instantly increase their motivation to help you. Try saying, ‘I know this isn’t anything to do with you, but I’m really frustrated.’ Humour can also help.

Knowing what’s really worth complaining about can also be tricky. Differentiating between a genuine complaint and just a moan isn’t always easy, but it’s clearer if you have your own personal ‘bill of rights’. A helpful question to ask yourself is, what do I want to achieve from complaining? What resolution do I want? If you can’t think of something then you probably just want to vent, in which case, do it to your friends or partner. And it’s OK to not complain if the effort involved outweighs the potential benefits. It’s OK to let some things go if they truly don’t bother you.

The key to positive complaining is to always have a solution in mind – complaining well is about helping another person to help you. Take the initiative and be clear about what you want to change. Even if you don’t get exactly what you want you will feel better because you’ve shifted out of the victim role.

Clear communication is the key to complaining well, as a consumer, at work and even in relationships. The golden rule is always to use ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ statements – so rather than ‘you never do the washing up,’ try ‘the kitchen is in a mess again and I feel like if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.’ If there’s a history to your complaint, get the facts straight in your head before you start. Writing down the key points, perhaps in a timeline can help. Then end your complaint by summarising what you’ve agreed. You can either ask the other person to do that, by saying, ‘Can you just clarify for me what will happen next?’ Or do it yourself, by saying something like, ‘So we’ve agreed that you will get your supervisor to review my current rate?’

And don’t forget that if you don’t get the resolution you want, you can always vote with your feet and leave that less than satisfactory job, service provider or even relationship. Too many of us stay in situations out of laziness or misguided loyalty.

How to complain well

1 Remember the three Cs – stay calm, clear, and confident.
2 State the facts in a neutral way – ‘This room is not the one I asked for when I booked’, rather than attaching blame, ‘You have made a mistake and booked the wrong room…’
3 Present a solution. Always have an end result in mind before you complain and communicate it clearly (‘I’d like a free room upgrade/discount on my bill’). Whether or not you get exactly what you want, you will walk away with the satisfaction of knowing you took the initiative.

How not to complain

1 Don’t let your facial expression undermine your argument. People pleasers tend to over-smile – ration it if you want to be taken seriously. Remember 55 per cent of communication is through body language. Standing up tall will help you look and sound confident, even if you’re talking on the phone.
2 Don’t shoot the messenger. If you need to rant, do that to a friend before you make your complaint. A rant will feel like a personal attack on the person you’re complaining to, putting them on the defensive. Use deep breathing exercises to calm down your stress levels before you start talking.
3 Don’t apologise, or start a complaint by saying, ‘I’m sorry, but….’. Cut out that and all other waffle. If necessary, write short script of what you want to say and practise it first.